Too Many Chances

Throughout my life, songwriting has been my most consistent form of therapy. One that I can partake in at any second during the day.

When I write, I like to have my lyrics accessible for multiple platforms. I like to be able to have my phone, my iPad and my computer all synced with my lyrics just in case the desire to write overtakes me any juncture. With modern technology, we are able to do this very easily. I can work on song lyrics while I’m waiting in traffic, the doctors office or more generally when my toddler is taking a nap during the day.

Lately, I’ve been dealing with the reiteration of past hurts. It’s strange how you can go for years without being pained by the hurts of the past and then something happens that dredges it up again. As an adult, I try to move on from emotional hurts in the quickest and most effective way I know how but that doesn’t change the fact that at some point, all the emotions will smack you in the face like a bandit is trying to take your purse.

Luckily, I have songwriting. Songwriting is like being able to say and express all the things that you wish you could have said in the moment but weren’t fully processing what was going on or thinking quickly enough. A song I’m working on is called “Too Many Chances”. I’m sure you can guess what the subject matter is, but I’ll lay it out anyway.

At some point in your life, you may come across someone who is a manipulator and/or user. If you have a psyche that is already somewhat fractured by past emotional abuse, you can be like the bait for this type of individual. If you’re lucky, you learn to be able to set boundaries and get out of bad situations. If you’re not lucky you end up sacrificing your emotional well-being and a large part of your “Self “by making way for another’s unending emotional needs.

As a child, I was always searching for my father’s affection and approval. I won’t get into the nitty-gritty details, but being raised in an environment where I felt like I was privileged when I was able to have my father’s attention left me with a gaping hole that I tried desperately to fill with codependent type relationships all throughout my 20s.

These codependent relationships represented themselves in my friendships with girlfriends and also with romantic dalliances. By the time I reached my 30s I was finally strong enough to be able to extricate myself from the romantic relationships, but it took me another few years to realize that I had several deeply dysfunctional friendships as well. 

For some reason, it was much easier to get out of the romantic entanglements (although it wasn’t a barrel full of monkeys) than it was to get out of the dysfunctional friendships. There’s a certain protocol for axing a boyfriend out of one’s life, but the process for ending a friendship is much more nebulous and much more hard.

After several years of soul-searching, I realized that I was being lied to and manipulated. I finally pulled the figurative trigger and ended a long-lasting friendship of over a decade. Early on in the friendship, I was aware that the relationship was a codependent one, and not only that, I was alarmed by the amount of deceit, lies and dishonesty that represented themselves in the actions of my friend.

I am a firm believer that when you have indications and evidence that you are being used and lied to, it is the best decision to cut that perpetrator out of your life like severing an arm. It takes years to build trust and minutes to destroy it. And after you have given adequate chances to come forth with honesty and integrity, if the person in question continually meets you with dishonesty, you need to get them out of your life and never look back.

I don’t believe in chance after chance, I think that people are generally fundamentally honest or dishonest. I’m not talking white lies or little infractions that don’t add up to anything substantial. What I’m talking about is deeply rooted, insidious dishonesty. I used to give chance after chance until I realized that people are who they are and they don’t often change.

So that’s the jyst of the subject matter of the song I’m working on right now. Here’s the song:

TOO MANY CHANCES
B G#m

I would drop everything 

C#m E/F#

(When) you’d give me a call 

B G#m

(You’re) The gift that kept taking

C#m E/F#

You took it all
PRECHORUS 

D#m G#m

I can’t keep on giving

C#m F#

When you’re all that I’ve got

D#m G#m

I can’t keep on living

C#m. F#

When it’s clear that I’m not
CHORUS 

B B/D#

Too many chances

E A E/F# F#

Too many lies

B B/D#

Too much was broken

E A E/F# F#

Too much has died
B G#m

For years I believed

C#m E/F#

I was all wrong 

B G#m

I thought I was weak

C#m E/F#

(And) you were so strong
PRECHORUS

D#m G#m

I can’t keep on moving

C#m F#

(When) there’s nowhere to go 

D#m G#m

I think I’ll be leaving

C#m F#

(Cause) you don’t feel like home
CHORUS

 

PRECHORUS

D#m G#m

When you’re lonely and thinking

C#m F#

You wanna give me a call

D#m G#m

Know that I loved you

C#m F#

But I’m done with it all
CHORUS

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